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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.” He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’ Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, ‘Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?’ And thus began Walter’s life of celibacy…… Because of my mood swings, my husband bought me a mood ring the other day. It’s a marvelous little device. When I’m in a good mood, it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he’ll buy me a diamond. The Man Rules At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.) These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1.” 1. Men are NOT mind readers. 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. 1. Sunday sports, it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be. 1. Crying is blackmail. 1. Ask for what you want. 1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question. 1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. 1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. 1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. 1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done. 1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials. 1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we. 1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. 1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. 1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear. 1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…. really. 1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf. 1. You have enough clothes. 1. You have too many shoes. 1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape! 1. Thank you for reading this. But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like going camping. A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs…….”Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!” The husband says “Oh my God! No Shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?” The wife yells back: “It doesn’t matter… just get the fuck out!” (The depth and breath of this is truly amazing!) A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a hug and walked on. The second woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’ The man said, ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on. The third woman came to him and said, ‘Have you ever been fucked?’ The fellow’s eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘You will be when the tide comes in.’ An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.” His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football.” A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.” After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.” Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.” Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.” Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, And accidentally shits in the bed. The wife says, “What the hell was that?” The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.” Male vs Female ATM’s A sign in the Bank Lobby reads: “Please note that this bank is installing new “Drive-through” teller machines. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the below outlined procedures when accessing their accounts. MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed after months of careful research. MALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 3. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 4. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 5. Drive off. FEMALE PROCEDURE 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down 4. Find handbag; remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card. 5. Turn the radio down. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open the car door to allow easy access to machine due to its excessive distance from the vehicle. 8. Insert card. 9. Reinsert card the right way up. 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check make up in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Place receipt in back of checkbook. 18. Recheck make-up again. 19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal to irate male driver lined up behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull away. 25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 26. Release Parking Brake. 10 Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life 1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home. 2. It’s important to have a woman who cooks from time to time. 3. It’s important to have a woman who keeps the house clean. 4. It’s important to have a woman who has a job. 5. It’s important to have a woman who likes you. 6. It’s important to have a woman who can be your very best friend. 7. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. 8. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, who doesn’t lie to you. 9. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed. 10. It’s very, very important that these nine women do not know each other. Sincerely, A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office. The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?’ The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’ The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.’ He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye. The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave. Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’ The man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything. She’s married so we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139 We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare. There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn’t know what Johnny’s problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and Johnny would always take the nickel (they said) because it was bigger. One day after Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said “Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don’t know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it’s bigger, or what?” With a big grin on his face, Johnny slowly turned toward the store owner. “Well,” he answered, “If I took the dime, they’d stop doing it, and so far I’ve saved $20!” |
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