One blonde asks another, “Which is further away, London or the Moon?”
The other replies, “HELLOOOOO, can you see London from here?????!!!!!”
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Jennifer a manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes she found four people who were equally qualified. Jennifer decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, Jennifer asked, ‘What is the fastest thing you know of?’ The first man replied, ‘A THOUGHT.’ It just pops into your head. There’s no warning. ‘That’s very good!’ replied Jennifer. ‘And, now you sir?’, she asked the second man. ‘Hmmm…..let me see ‘A blink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.’ ‘Excellent!’ said Jennifer. ‘The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliche for speed.’ She then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. ‘Well, out at my dad’s ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. ‘Yip, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of’. Jennifer was very impressed with the third answer and thought she had found her man. ‘It’s hard to beat the speed of light,’ she said. Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, Jennifer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, ‘After hearing the previous three answers, it’s obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA.’ ‘WHAT!?’ said Jennifer, stunned by the response. ‘Oh sure’, said BUBBA. ‘You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants.’ BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you! You probably will think of this every time you enter a Wal-Mart from now on! A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big everything-under-one-roof department store looking for a job. The Manager says, ‘Do you have any sales experience?’ The kid says ‘Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota’ Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. ‘You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.’ His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. ‘How many customers bought something from you today?’ The kid says, ‘One.’ The boss says, ‘Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30customers a day. How much was the sale for?’ The kid says, ‘$101,237.65.’ The boss says, ‘$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?’ The kid says, ‘First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so Itook him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.’ The boss said ‘A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?’ The kid said ‘No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ It’s winter in Wyoming Disclaimer: This is NOT considered a joke, but has been forwarded in an email to me and therefore is archived on this site. Why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection? I never noticed this…. The Gospel of John (20:7) tells us that the napkin, which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin. Early Sunday morning, while it was still dark, Mary Magdalene came to the tomb and found that the stone had been rolled away from the entrance. She ran and found Simon Peter and the other disciple, the one whom Jesus loved. She said, ‘They have taken the Lord’s body out of the tomb, and I don’t know where they have put him!’ Peter and the other disciple ran to the tomb to see. The other disciple outran Peter and got there first. He stooped and looked in and saw the linen cloth lying there, but he didn’t go in. Then Simon Peter arrived and went inside. He also noticed the linen wrappings lying there, while the cloth that had cov ered Jesus’ head was folded up and lying to the side. Is that important? Absolutely! Is it really significant? Yes! In order to understand the significance of the folded napkin, you have to understand a little bit about Hebrew tradition of that day. The folded napkin had to do with the Master and Servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master were done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up that napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. For in those days, the wadded napkin meant, ‘I’m done’. But if the master got up from the table, and folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because………. The folded napkin meant,’I’m coming back!’ He is Coming Back! Now everytime I use a cloth napkin after a meal I will think of this one. 1. Can you cry under water? 2. When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping”………. now I just “chunky dunk.” 3. How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? 4. If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches? 5. Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going? 6. Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? 7. Why does a round pizza come in a square box? 8. How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? 9. Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wakeup every two hours? 10. If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? 11. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? 12. How come we choose from two people for President, and fifty for Miss America? 13. If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call? 14. I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing…….. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place! 15. Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl-Alt-delete’ and start all over? 16. Stress is when you wake up screaming, then realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet. 17. Just remember…….if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off. 18. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison? 19. If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor! 20. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting? Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to “put your two cents in”… but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to? Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway. Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat ? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane? If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn’t he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your ass? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Ole, was in a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole. “Didn’t you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” asked the lawyer. Ole responded, “Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…” “I didn’t ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted.. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?” Ole said, “Vell, I had yust got Bessie into the trailer and I vas driving down the road…” The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Minnesota Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.” The lawyer insisted. By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.” Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. “Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas trown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn’t vant to move.” “However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans. Shortly after da accident da Minnesota Highway Patrolman came to da scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right ‘tween da eyes. ” “Then the Patrolman came across da road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, How are you feeling?'” “Now vat the hell vould YOU say?” Lena is pregnant with Ole’s child. Late one night, Lena vakes Ole and says, ‘I tink it’s time!’ So Ole fired up the Yohn Deere tractor and took her to the hospital to have their first baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Ole and said, ‘A son! Ain’t dat great!’ Well, Ole got excited by dis, but yust den the doctor spoke up and said, ‘Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!’ The doctor den held up a little girl. He said, ‘Hey, Ole! You got you a daughter!’ She’s a pretty little ting, too.’ Ole got kind of puzzled by this, an then the doctor said, ‘Holey Moley, Ole we still ain’t done yet!’ The doctor then delivered another boy and said, ‘Ole, you yust had yourself another boy!’ Ole was flabbergasted by this news! A couple days later, Ole brought Lena and their three children home in the self-propelled combine. He was real serious and he asked Lena , ‘How come we got tree on the first try?’ Lena said, ‘You remember dat night we ran out of Vaseline and you vent out in the garage and got dat dere 3-in-1 Oil?’ Ole said, ‘Yeah, I do. Uffda! It’s a dam good ting I didn’t get the WD-40.’ Ole vas vorking at the fish plant up nort in Dulut vhen he accidentally cut off all ten of his finkers. He vent to da emergency room in the Clinik and vhen he got dar da Norsky doctor looked at Ole and said, “Let’s have da finkers and I’ll see vhat I can do.” Ole said, “I haven’t got da finkers.” “Vhat do you mean, you hafen’t got da finkers?” he said. “Lord-it’s 2009 and Ive’s got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could hafe put dem back on and made you like new! Vhy didn’t you brink da finkers?” Ole says……..”How da fock vas I suppose to pick dem up? |
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