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On the first day God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I Will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten.” So God agreed.
On the second day God created the monkey. God said, “Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.”
The monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed.
On the third day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have Calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.”
The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed again.
On the forth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. I’ll give you twenty years.”
Man said, “What? Only twenty years! Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back and the ten the monkey gave back and The ten the dog gave back, that makes eighty, okay?”
“Okay,” said God, “You’ve got a deal.”
So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
Read very very slowly and carefully…
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as ‘Euro-English’.
In the first year, ‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of ‘k’. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent ‘e’ in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords kontaining ‘ou’ and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pas on to oza pepl.
Cheese
The teacher told Pepito to use the word cheese in a sentence. Pepito replies: Maria likes me, but cheese fat.
Mushroom
When all my family get in the car, there’s not mushroom.
Shoulder
My fren wanted 2 become a citizen but she didn’t know how to read so I shoulder.
Texas
My fren always Texas me when I’m not home wondering where I’m at!
Herpes
Me and my fren ordered pizza. I got mine piece and she got herpes.
July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and July to me! Julyer!
Rectum
I had 2 cars but my wife rectum!
Chicken
I was going to go to the store with my wife but chicken go herself.
Wheelchair
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair.
Chicken wing
My wife plays the lottery so chicken wing.
Harassment
My wife caught me in bed with another women and I told her harassment nothing to me.
Bishop
My wife fell down the stair so I had to pick the bishop.
Body wash
I want to go to the club but no body wash my kids.
Budweiser
That women over there has a nice body, budweiser face so ugly?
My five-year old students are learning to read. Yesterday one of them pointed at a picture in a zoo book and said,”Look at this! It’s a frickin’ elephant!”
I took a deep breath, then asked…”What did you call it?
“It’s a frickin’ elephant! It says so on the picture!”
And so it does..
” A f r i c a n Elephant ”
Hooked on phonics! Ain’t it wonderful?
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you?”
He said, “Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.
They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!”
He said, ‘Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Fred’s turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
“Good morning!” he said.
They couldn’t believe it..
They said, “Man, what happened?”
He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.”
DON’T DO THIS!
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called John, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
John clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear to stupid, but nonetheless inquired, “An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.”
John grinned. “Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?”
No,”I replied.”
“Write it down,” he said, “and I think you’ll figure it out.”
So I it wrote down: I D 1 0 T !
I used to like that little shit!!!
A blonde woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she’s in serious financial straits. She’s so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.” Lotto night comes and she does not win. Brandi again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and now I’m going to lose my car.” Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays… “Dear Lord, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, my car. My children are starving. I don’t often ask for help, and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEEEEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.” Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God himself… “Brandi, work with me on this. Buy a ticket!”
On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic husband had settled down on the couch.
When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, ‘It’s Lent.’ In tears, she sobbed, ‘Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?’
A blonde enters a drapery shop. She tells the salesman, “I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains.”
The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print.
The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, “Fifteen inches.”
“Fifteen inches?” asked the salesman. “That sounds very small – what room are they for?”
The blonde tells him that they aren’t for a room, they are for her computer monitor.
The surprised salesman replies, “But Miss, computers do not need curtains!”
The blonde says, “Hellllooooooooo. I’ve got Windoooooows!”
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