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I have to be man enough admit it, much as I am chagrined and humbled to do so. My liberal friends were absoutely right.
They told me if I voted for McCain, the nation’s Hope would deteriorate, and sure enough there has been a 20 point drop in the Consumer Confidence Index since the election, reaching a lower point than any time during the Bush administration.
They told me if I voted for McCain, the US would become more deeply embroiled in the Middle East, and sure enough tens of thousands of additional troops are scheduled to be deployed into Afghanistan.
They told me if I voted for McCain, that the economy would get worse and sure enough unemployment is approaching 8.8% and the new stimulus packages implemented recently have sent the stock market lower than at any time since 9-11.
They told me if I voted for McCain, we would see more “crooks” in high ranking positions in Federal government and sure enough, several recent cabinet nominees and Senate appointments revealed resumes of bribery and tax fraud.
Well, I ignored my Democrat friends in November and voted for McCain. And dammit, they were right… all of their predictions have come true. Clearly they are smarter and more knowledgeable of how things work than I. I just feel so stupid…..
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, ‘Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.’
The social worker behind the counter said, ‘Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2009 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive. A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.’
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, ‘You’re bullshittin’ me!’
The social worker said, ‘Yeah, well, you started it.’
“Late again,” the third-grade teacher said to little Sammy.
“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Crabtree. You can blame this’ un on my Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”
Now, Miss Crabtree had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Sammy what he meant by that.
Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Sammy and trouble were old friends, but he always told her the truth.
“You see, Miss Crabtree, out at the ranch we got this here low down coyote. The last few nights, he done ate six hens and killed Ma’s best milk goat. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his shotgun and said to Ma, “That coyote’s back again, I’m a gonna git him!”
“Stay back, he whispered to all us kids!”
“He was naked as a jaybird, no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barreled 12 gauge shot gun through the window of the coop.”
“As he stared into the darkness, with coyotes on his mind, our old hound dog, Zeke, had done woke up and comes sneaking’ up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Zeke stuck his cold nose in Daddy’s crack!”
“Miss Crabtree, we all been cleanin’ chickens since three o’clock this mornin.’
These classifieds actually ran in newspapers – a smile for your day…
FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER . 8-years old. Hateful little bastard. Bites!
FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
FREE PUPPIES.. Mother, AKC German Shepherd. Father, Super Dog..able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a big reward.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.
GEORGIA PEACHES California grown – 89 cents/lb.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
And the best one…
FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, Got married last month. Wife knows everything..
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659—CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got on the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming’ and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ‘Logan’s Liniment will reduce the swelling,’ and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick,” and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, ‘Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident’… I just lost it.”
“CASE DISMISSED!!”
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don’t take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON’T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello?” I politely said, “This is (name withheld) and could I please speak to Robin Carter?” Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn’t believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin’s correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled “You’re a jackass!” and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word “jackass,” and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I’d call him up. He’d answer, and I’d yell, “You’re a jackass!” It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard his voice, “Hello.” I made up a name. “Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone company and I’m just calling to see if you’re familiar with our caller ID program?” He went, “No!” and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, “That’s because you’re a jackass!”
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if there’s ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about it. Just dial 823-4863. (Keep reading, it gets better.) The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking place. I didn’t think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she’s finally leaving. All of a sudden, this black Camaro comes flying up the parking isle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started honking my horn and yelling, “You can’t just do that, Buddy. I was here first!” The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked toward the mall as if he didn’t even hear me. I thought to myself, this guy’s a jackass, there sure are a lot of jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a “For Sale” sign in the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park. A couple of days later, I’m at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, “You’re a jackass!” (It’s really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I’d better call this guy, too. After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, “Hello.” I said, “Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?” “Yes, it is.” “Can you tell me where I can see it?” “Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It’s a yellow house and the car’s parked right out front.” I said, “What’s your name?” “My name is Don Hansen.” “When’s a good time to catch you, Don?” “I’m home in the evenings.” “Listen Don, can I tell you something?” “Yes,” “Don, you’re a jackass!” And I slammed the phone down. After I hung up, I added Don Hansen’s number to my speed dialer. For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a problem I had two jackasses to call. Then, after several months of calling, the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn’t as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution: First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1. A man answered nicely saying, “Hello.” I yelled “You’re a jackass!”, but I didn’t hang up. The jackass said, “Are you still there?” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “Stop calling me.” I said, “No.” He said, “What’s your name, Pal?” I said, “Don Hansen.” He said “Where do you live?” “1802 West 34th Street. It’s a yellow house and my black Camaro’s parked out front.” “I’m coming over right now, Don. You’d better start saying your prayers.” “Yeah, like I’m really scared, Jackass!” and I hung up. Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, “Hello.” I said, “Hello Jackass!” He said, “If I ever find out who you are…” “You’ll what?” “I’ll kick your butt.” Well, here’s your chance. I’m coming over right now Jackass!” And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W. 34th Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious! Watching two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other, ” you ever noticed after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?”
The second black guy says, “yeah, all the time.”
The other says, “why is that?”
The second says, “I think it’s the pepper spray.”
During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, ‘How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?’
Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’
Oh, I understand,’ I said. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’
No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?’
ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
ST. M O M M A’S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … Can we get naked now?”
B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I – T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
I arrived at the address where someone had requested a taxi. I honked but no one came out. I honked again, nothing. So I walked to the door and knocked. ‘Just a minute,’ answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie.
By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets.
There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.
‘Would you carry my bag out to the car?’ she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman.
She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb.
She kept thanking me for my kindness. ‘It’s nothing,’ I told her. ‘I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated.’ ‘Oh, you’re such a good boy,’ she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, ‘Could you drive through downtown?’
‘It’s not the shortest way,’ I answered quickly. ‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ she said. ‘I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice.’
I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. ‘I don’t have any family left,’ she continued. ‘The doctor says I don’t have very long.’ I quietly reached over and shut off the meter.
‘What route would you like me to take?’ I asked.
For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator.
We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.
As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, ‘I’m tired. Let’s go now.’
We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico.
Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her.
I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.
‘How much do I owe you?’ she asked, reaching into her purse. ‘Nothing,’ I said
‘You have to make a living,’ she answered.
‘There are other passengers,’ I responded.
Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.
‘You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,’ she said.
‘Thank you.’
I squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life. I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away? On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life. We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.
PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we might as well dance.
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