His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the [...]]]> One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out..

‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker, ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!!

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered [...]]]> A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received in response.

Below are 11 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while….a sign of true love….who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What the heck did you do now?

7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

The barber lathered his face and began shaving him with a straight razor while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen, knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The [...]]]> A loud mouthed smart-ass sat down in the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber lathered his face and began shaving him with a straight razor
while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen,
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The smart-ass said, “Honey, you and I should go spend a wild afternoon in a hotel room.”

She replied, “Sorry. I’m married and I’d never be unfaithful to my husband.”

The customer said, “Tell him you’re working overtime. I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. You’re closer.”

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife. “They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies. “Put them back, we can’t [...]]]> A Husband is Down in Aisle 5…

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife.

They carry on with their shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

This is him on Aisle 5.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your [...]]]> Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, ‘It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men, ‘Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?’

Walter leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, ‘Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?’

And thus began Walter’s life of celibacy……

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

We always hear “the rules” from the female side.

Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)

These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1.” ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are [...]]]> The Man Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down.

We always hear “the rules” from the female side.

Finally , the guys’ side of the story. (I must admit, it’s pretty good.)

These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1.”
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports, it’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something, or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is!

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine…. really.

1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like going camping.

The husband says “Oh my God! No Shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The wife yells back: “It [...]]]> A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs…….”Honey, pack your bags. I won the damn lottery!”

The husband says “Oh my God! No Shit?! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”

The wife yells back: “It doesn’t matter… just get the fuck out!”

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs. Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No,’ so she gave [...]]]> (The depth and breath of this is truly amazing!)

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’ The man said, ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came to him and said, ‘Have you ever been fucked?’ The fellow’s eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, ‘No.’ She said, ‘You will be when the tide comes in.’

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five [...]]]> An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, “Seven Points.”

His wife rolls over and says, “What in the world was that?” The old man replied, “It’s fart football.”

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says “Touchdown, tie score.”

After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, “Aha. I’m ahead 14 to 7.”

Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, “Touchdown, tie score.”

Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, “Field goal, I lead 17 to 14.”

Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he’s got, And accidentally shits in the bed.

The wife says, “What the hell was that?”

The old man says, “Half time, switch sides.”