Archived Jokes » Medical

Oxford Doctor’s Medical Question

admin — Wed, 10 Dec 2014 16:36:17 +0000

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford.

“The material we put in our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dyes. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Asian food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have or will eat it.”

“Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several long seconds of quiet, a eighty year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said,

“Wedding cake.”

The Bathtub Test

admin — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 01:48:35 +0000

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the Director, ‘How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?’

Well,’ said the Director, ‘we fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.’

Oh, I understand,’ I said. ‘A normal person would use the bucket because it’s bigger than the spoon or the teacup.’

No.’ said the Director, ‘A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?’

ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

New Medications

admin — Mon, 08 Dec 2014 01:47:19 +0000

D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A’S W O R T
Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … Can we get naked now?”

B U Y A G R A
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I – T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.