Oxford Doctor’s Medical Question

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford.

“The material we put in our stomachs should have killed most of us sitting here years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dyes. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Asian food is loaded with MSG. High trans-fat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have or will eat it.”

“Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”

After several long seconds of quiet, a eighty year-old man in the front row raised his hand and softly said,

“Wedding cake.”

Curtis & Leroy

CurtisLeroy1Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. And bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day..

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already..”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said,”We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said,”Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars a piece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said,”My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back.”

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government!

CurtisLeroy2

Limit all politicians to two terms.

One in office
One in prison

Growing old in Wyoming!

This is what it is like to grow old in the mountains!

GrowingOld

Weight Loss for Men

“A Guy’s New Weight Loss Program”

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10lb. weight loss program. The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me you can have me’. Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. “Are you sure?” asks the representative on the phone. “This is our most rigorous program.” “Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.” The next day there’s a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, “If I catch you, you are mine.”He lost 63 pounds that week.

Mothers

Real Mothers don’t eat quiche

They don’t have time to make it.

Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils

Are probably in the sandbox.

Real Mothers often have sticky floors

Filthy ovens and happy kids.

Real Mothers know that dried play dough

Doesn’t come out of carpets.

Real Mothers don’t want to know what

The vacuum just sucked up.

Real Mothers sometimes ask ‘Why me?’

And get their answer when a little Voice says, ‘Because I love you best..’

Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade…

It is marked by the progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother…

The Images of Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE – My Mommy can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE – My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE – My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE – Naturally, Mother doesn’t know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE – Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.

18 YEARS OF AGE – That old woman? She’s way out of date!

25 YEARS OF AGE – Well, she might know a little bit about it!

35 YEARS OF AGE – Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.

45 YEAR S OF AGE – Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE – Wish I could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes,

Because that is the doorway to her heart,

The place where love resides.

The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole,

but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.

It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows, and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!

Free Hugs Campaign

Sometimes, a hug is all that we need. Free Hugs is the real life controversial story of Juan Mann, a man whose sole mission was to reach out and hug a stranger to put a smile on their face.

Click Here to Watch on (Futurenet.org) – Free Hugs Campaign Video

Or Here (YouTube) – Free Hugs Campaign Video

 

The Redneck Hooker

A redneck was walking home late at night and saw a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty dollars,” she whispered.

Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decided “what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks”; so, they hid in the bushes. They were ‘engaged’ for a minute when, suddenly, a light flashed on them.

It was a police officer. The officer asked, “What’s going on here, people?”

Bubba, sounding annoyed, answered, “I’m making love to my wife!”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” replied the cop, “I didn’t know.”

“Well, neither did I ’til ya shined that light in her face.”

Redneck Word of the Day

Redneck word of the day: “OBAMA”

RedneckWord

I BOUGHT ME A CASE OF BEER AND DRANK IT OBAMA SELF!

My dad is the coolest!

SO my dad lost his wall charger. He takes alot of phone calls for work so he doesn’t have the option to leave it in the car at night to charge. I told him “you might be a redneck if…..”

We both thought it was pretty funny…but it worked!

RedneckPhoneCharger

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets,’ and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs. He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch And fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John’s favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet surprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully next year, the bells are not always audible.