Archived Jokes

Beware of Underwear Dust!!!!!

underweardust One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, ‘Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in ‘Slim Fast’. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!’

His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go unrewarded.

The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the heck is this?’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out..

‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?’

She replied with a snicker, ‘It’s not talcum powder; it’s ‘Miracle Grow’!!!!!!

MiracleGro

For the Women

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husband.

The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?” All the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?” Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn’t remember.

The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text to their husband: “I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then instructed to exchange phones with another person, and to read aloud the text message they received in response.

Below are 11 replies; some are hilarious. If you have been married for quite a while….a sign of true love….who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?

2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?

3. Yeah, and I love you too. What’s up with you?

4. What now? Did you crash the car again?

5. I don’t understand what you mean?

6. What the heck did you do now?

7. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?

8. Am I dreaming?

9. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.

10. I thought we agreed you wouldn’t drink during the day.

11. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn’t she?

The Golden Urinal

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Bill Clinton’s private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a gold urinal! Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton’s private lavatory. “Just think,” he said, “maybe I should get a gold urinal too.”

But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent… even for a guy like me!”

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill, “I found out who pissed in your saxophone.”

Coyote Hunting & Your Government

The old fellow in the big cowboy hat got a standing ovation. The Sierra Club and the U. S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.

What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U. S. Forest Service. All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes. Finally an old fellow wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here. These coyotes ain’t f—-n’ our sheep; they’re eatin’ ‘em!”

The meeting never really got back to order!

Shave & Shine

A loud mouthed smart-ass sat down in the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a shave and a shoe shine.”

The barber lathered his face and began shaving him with a straight razor
while a woman with the most beautiful breasts he had ever seen,
knelt down and began to shine his shoes.

The smart-ass said, “Honey, you and I should go spend a wild afternoon in a hotel room.”

She replied, “Sorry. I’m married and I’d never be unfaithful to my husband.”

The customer said, “Tell him you’re working overtime. I’ll pay you the difference.”

She said, “You tell him. You’re closer.”

Golfer and Dentist

A man and his wife hurried into a dentist’s office. The man said, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to play golf. Forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb! I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it. We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already!”

The dentist thought to himself, “My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using any anesthetic.”

So the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”

The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.”

Eight Thoughts to Ponder

Number 8
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
They can’t tell them apart.
If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.
Teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number 4
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in the hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 3
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2
In the 60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

And The Number 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers–
What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow

… and as someone recently said:
“Don’t worry about old age– It doesn’t last that long.”

Man Down

A Husband is Down in Aisle 5…

A husband and wife are shopping in their local supermarket. The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.
“They’re on sale, only $10 for 24 cans” he replies.
“Put them back, we can’t afford them” demands the wife.

They carry on with their shopping.

A few aisles farther on, the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the husband.
“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: “So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it’s half the price.”

This is him on Aisle 5.
HusbandAisle5

The Magic Bank Account

THE AUTHOR IS NOT KNOWN. IT WAS FOUND IN THE BILLFOLD OF COACH PAUL BEAR BRYANT, ALABAMA, AFTER HE DIED IN 1982.

The Magic Bank Account

Imagine that you had won the following *PRIZE* in a contest: Each morning your bank would deposit $86,400 in your private account for your use. However, this prize has rules:

The set of rules:

1. Everything that you didn’t spend during each day would be taken away from you.

2. You may not simply transfer money into some other account.

3. You may only spend it.

4. Each morning upon awakening, the bank opens your account with another $86,400 for that day.

5. The bank can end the game without warning; at any time it can say,“Game Over!”. It can close the account and you will not receive a new one.

What would you personally do?

You would buy anything and everything you wanted right? Not only for yourself, but for all the people you love and care for. Even for people you don’t know, because you couldn’t possibly spend it all on yourself, right?

You would try to spend every penny, and use it all, because you knew it would be replenished in the morning, right?

ACTUALLY, This GAME is REAL …

Shocked??? YES!

Each of us is already a winner of this *PRIZE*. We just can’t seem to see it.

The PRIZE is *TIME*

1. Each morning we awaken to receive 86,400 seconds as a gift of life.

2. And when we go to sleep at night, any remaining time is Not credited to us.

3. What we haven’t used up that day is forever lost.

4. Yesterday is forever gone.

5. Each morning the account is refilled, but the bank can dissolve your account at any time WITHOUT WARNING…

SO, what will YOU do with your 86,400 seconds?

Those seconds are worth so much more than the same amount in dollars. Think about it and remember to enjoy every second of your life, because time races by so much quicker than you think.

So take care of yourself, be happy, love deeply and enjoy life!

Here’s wishing you a wonderful and beautiful day. Start “spending”….

“DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT GROWING OLD!”

SOME PEOPLE DON’T GET THE PRIVILEGE!

Fired After 31 Years?

James “Jim” Whitey, the head gardener at the White House was dismissed today after 31 years of loyal service to scores of US Presidents and First Ladies.

In an exclusive interview outside the back gate of the Presidential Residence the 64-year old Mr. Whitey proclaimed his innocence and strongly condemned his firing.

“It all happened so fast. I’m still in a daze,” said the bewildered Whitey.

“All I know is, I was getting ready to weed the rose bed outside the Oval Office window like I do every week. I called out to my assistants, ‘Has anyone seen the spade and the hoe?”

And the next thing I knew the Secret Service was hauling my ass off the property.

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Beware of Underwear Dust!!!!!

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Coyote Hunting & Your Government

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Man Down

The Magic Bank Account

Fired After 31 Years?

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